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03:11pm 22/09/2006
mood: sleepy
i would love you for life for this only song
"your voice digs graves in my ears
that would never receive their dead"
...who said that?..
such a beautiful and precise definition
     Read 3 - Post
looking back   
12:56am 13/09/2006
mood: contemplative
it will soon be a year since i'm messing around the net in common and lj/li.ru in particular
for all my life didn't i experience such a variety of emotions and thoughts as i did here
does this means that time in virtuality has another properties and one can live a whole life in the net in a real-time year?..
the only fact about all this that i know for sure is that it really was a great experience... so many beautiful things i found here - i never ever dared to hope that some of them do exist -, so many just INCREDIBLE ppl i met - some of them justify this world in my eyes by the very fact of their existence... i don't know why in hell i'm being so nostalgic and retrospective right now - maybe cause some spiteful shit on the russian blog server kinda let me down... but nevermind, the crap will never take possession of one's mind if they have something to hold on to... some basic values they keep to, u know;)
and though i have a really TERRIBLE constant headache already for a week or so, though i'm oh_so_much_tired_of_work_and_study - i guess i really am a pretty happy lucky bitch=)
upd: oh yeah, and i wrote another fic in august... an outrageous fluff it is, but i meant it to be only some kind of self-therapy, just something for myself - not a real work of art for everybody to enjoy... well, i guess it worked=) sometimes art should be used merely for utilitarian purposes, just to let a person express and maybe analyze themselves... as i said, some kind of amateur psyhotherapy for personal use only=)
05:19am 09/08/2006
mood: calm
my first and probably the last fic... an ultimate terrifying fluff i'll hardly ever have balls to post anywhere.
here's its concept anyway
(repost from russian journal at liveinternet.ru)

...я видела огромную тёмную толпу, пульсирующую как гигантское холодное сердце впавшей в кому умирающей планеты.
...и среди этой толпы моё внимание привлекли двое людей, стоявших одиноко и глядевших на всеобщий движ отрешённо.
...и в одиночестве, словно слепые, наощупь пробирались они сквозь тёмный бушующий океан пустой плоти.
...но внезапно словно электрический разряд пронизал огромную пульсирующую массу оболочек растворившихся в непролитых слезах душ, и мощная волна прижала тех двух блуждающих в тусклом сумраке вплотную друг к другу.
...и ощутили они странное тепло, до той поры неизведанное, и разлилось оно по их безжизненной плоти, и дошло до спящей души, некогда замороженной в глухой надежде на новую весну.
...растаял тогда иней, покрывавший их высохшие глаза, и увидели они друг друга.
...но вновь подалась слепая толпа, вновь сократилось остывшее сердце, и волной холодного ветра унесло друг от друга двоих прозревших.
...тогда снова замёрзли слёзы возрождения на глазах их, и покрыл души их твёрдый сверкающий иней, твёрже и ослепительнее прежнего.
...а огромное остывшее сердце затерянной в равнодушной вселенной седой планеты продолжало ритмично пульсировать, разгоняя холодную кровь по усталым безжизненным венам.

well at least it's not PWP... it has idea in it... blah. in fact i can't say i think it's something to be proud of. writing hardcore porn is just not my vocation since i'm... *tries hard to find a proper word to characterize herself**fails* say, romantically perverted & stuck at kinda_philosophical stuff. it's all my difficult_childhood, nevermind.
just some random stupid things to say   
03:15am 09/08/2006
mood: sore
shit. shit. shit.
it d e f i n i t e l y sux.
guess i'm about to start seeing things in that mtf twilight of the goddamn room i'm dragging my existence in.
it's half past three in the morning, by the grace of all powers, wtf i'm still doing here??
trying to distract myself from... myself lol.
not even listening to the music cause the music has the power to remind things & refresh feelings which were not even supposed to take control over my fucked_up mind.
oh well ok, maybe they w e r e supposed. ok, ok they were definitely supposed. but NOT THIS MOTHERFUCKING WAY!!

[heh. what a silent hysteria. act your age bitch, you're not some stupid teen any more. you were bored? - you've got some entertainment. everything you asked for baby. not that way? - hell, sweetie, ain't you too impudent? have it bitch. eat it. relax & enjoy, you know you can do that rofl]

i n e e d to get wasted or something.
i d e f i n i t e l y do.
someone give me money 4 absinthe plz plz plz
*looks with big sad eyes*
02:04am 09/08/2006
mood: numb
my mind's pregnant with loads of unspeakable ideas.
i hope i'll ever be able to verbalize them.
[though they may very well appear to be another ugly abortion from my poor little brain]
well, at least the poison seeping from my decaying soul has killed t h a t dull pain. i experienced it 4 too long & my endurance just expired.

i guess by now it's easier 4 me to kill myself than to get impressed.
so strange, i can't write lyrix any more.
maybe it's because i ended up not really wanting this.
maybe i'm just so much tired that there is no rest available 4 me any more.
m a y b e.
12:17am 31/07/2006
  it’s all so dead inside of me
it feels so really perfect

my face is hurting when I try to smile
though it never used to before
01:41pm 24/07/2006
  it was too beautiful to be for real
not meant to be in this world and this life

i'm not gonna taste my blood anymore
and pour alcohol on my sores, making them bleed even more painfully
i took my part in this game, now i'm passing my turn and washing my hands clean of this
shit is in the air   
12:17am 08/07/2006
  not literally yet, thanx all powers lol
in fact shit is in my head
one should never save old messages on their cell phone, if they don't want insomnia and some masochistic experience
just delete it all fuckers and sleep well [alone]
no one's gonna ever mess with my mind till i have myself
may my will be the highest power in my fucking universe amen
01:14pm 07/07/2006
  this existence starts getting pretty annoying
me wants nothing
does this mean me wants perfect - can't get it*cause such stuff doesn't exist* - feels irrationally depressed?
the question is whether "nothing" exists
to prove that it doesn't we have the fact of my wanting it*cause i'm in fucking habit to long for non-existing things*
and when sometimes the thing i want appears to exist, and especially when i happen to get it... yeah right, i don't want it anymore = (
this world is strange and boring 4 me at the same time
i'm like a fucking alien with amnesia lol

next year i'm taking a fucking important exam in german
guess me needz to find some german slash^^
11:31am 26/06/2006
mood: impressed
well, it's really a pity i almost quited updating this journal... its design is the most awesome of all liveinternet.ru diaries i keep and besides i need some english practice, not only by reading slash, heh^^
h31d1 - my on line luv - is really a unique creature... we end almost breaking up every night we chat, and the next morning it always starts over and over again, like nothing had happened the night before... such a creepy relationship - both in form and content.
[just a general conclusion i drew recently]
never quit anything you REALLY enjoy, never try to get rid of anything you get REALLY high from - even if it hurts a bit. it is worth the pain, it REALLY is...=)
07:34pm 17/06/2006
  fucking butterflies_in_my_stomach
they make me wanna smoke
*makes a giant motherfucking banner saying "u ain't to read the_shit_u_know never again bitch" and posts it on the wall in front of her bed*
*goes to read the_shit_she_knows*
*feels guilty*
11:32am 09/04/2006
mood: drained
u may be sure that the one mentioned here yesterday was the shittiest party i ever attended in all my mtf life
there was one single guy i actually knew
and he left much earlier than i planned to
so i left in thirty minutes after he did, cause i plainly had nothing to talk about with all those strange*for a freak like me*ppl
but i got drunk and that was really beautiful
when i got back home i went to the bathroom to remove my make-up
it was raining yesterday night and my eyeliner ran
i saw a razor blade and did some cutting
don't even know why
i wasn't really depressed
how stupid of me
12:59pm 08/04/2006
mood: apathetic
gotta go to birthday party
money - scarce
present - have no idea about
crowd - sux

damn those fakish celebrations
everyone has weak points... mine is sex   
12:57am 08/04/2006
Take the quiz:
what kinda lesbian are you?

You are innocent. Tend to be shy and touchy about things and you genrally don't like the light on. If you lighten up, you'd probably have more fun.

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
     Read 1 - Post
actually i do... so what?   
12:53am 08/04/2006
Take the quiz:
How Will You Die(Brutal Pics)

Jump off building
you hate ur life and you want to die

Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
a personality quiz   
12:43am 08/04/2006
mood: sleepy
Take the quiz:


Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!
06:59pm 07/04/2006
  well, 1'm back
that ru551an server 5ux

[my favour1te log1cal 5ucce551on]
noth1ng'5 perfect
1'm noth1ng
1'm perfect
     Read 3 - Post
11:20pm 26/10/2005
mood: cynical
Today I've put this stuff to the message board Narcissus Narcosis at www.marilyn-manson.net. Kinda funny, but in Russian it sounds better:
Жёлтые листочки
Дохлые цветочки
Алкаши в отключке
На речке Вонючке
Рыбки кверху брюхом
Зайка с третьим ухом...
Отдохнём, уроды,
На лоне природы!
It was written in August, and today I've translated it into English while going home by subway. BTW, it's the very place where I've written my first poem. Underground has always inspired me, now I know it for real...)
There are autumn hours
There are dying flowers
Alcoholics shiver
On the Stinky river
Fish on their backs
Hare with five legs -
Will you spend fortnight
At the country-side?
Welcome to Ukraine and enjoy its beautiful landscapes!)))
(Chernobyl zone's particularly awesome. And here in Krivoy Rog you foreigners better not breathe without oxygen mask... lol, that's what I call cultural CHOKE!)))
01:09pm 26/10/2005
mood: blank
This night I was surfing the Net till 2 a.m. and it felt pretty shitty in the morning. I came to University at 9 a.m. cause we were to write a lecture on psychology which I'm fucking interested in. But there was no lecture:( There was some stupid psychological quiz, and I answered nothing but truth only cause it was anonymous (just like this shit). I hope they won't be able to figure out whose hand-writing it is...;)
Now I'm at the subway, sitting by the wall and writing this shit... on another sheet while waiting for a train. And now I'm at home with the keyboard on my knees typing all this stuff... blah-blah-blah, it's all of no use.
Another place for crying to nowhere   
11:31pm 25/10/2005
mood: weird
Hi, I'm fu51on from Ukraine. It's midnight and I'm sick and tired after half a day spent in the University and another half - at home with the woman who brought me to this dying world (though I've never asked her to).
Why did I decide to start another journal? Maybe because I'm tired of pretending that I'm such a cynic, who feels nothing but contempt and thinks of nothing but global abstract problems, messing around the Net with some fucking philosofical shit? Or is it because I gave up the idea that I have no right to complain? Anyway, this piece of hysterical shit's gonna be my own privacy, and I don't think I'm gonna find some friends here. It's all fake and bullshit, I'm not talking about friendship, but it is either, and everything's illusion not only here in virtual reality, but everywhere, especially in humans' minds, nothing's what it seems, nothing's gonna change the world, even if you expect anything you will get something else, etc, etc, etc... goddamn!!
Here's another piece of shit. I know it suxx and so do I, but fuck it, I'm too tired to think how to make myself look like someone important:
"I used to worship you
Your voice echoed in my head
And your words tore my sores open
And your face made my heart sink
When I saw you on that damned black square -
The portal to delusive universe of Ill Usion
Or in that lead-perfumed papers
Twisted color-blind images of fancied reality
Or in that glamor-glazed
Printed organs of social satiety...
...i shouldn't touch this, my wounds too fresh...
But who's really able to heal the voids in the flesh?..."
...stream of consciousness, that is. Too rhymeless to be called poetry.
...Now, rhymes ain't essential, but sometimes pretty useful:
Could I be without you
Could I live my life
Could this world go spinning
Could I be so blind"
It's just stupid old trash
Made for washing brains
Made for getting more cash
Made for cutting veins
I have got along with System
I'm her child, and I admit
If I do not "pledge allegiance"
I'll be still "a part of it""
...Not very me. Too updated. Even maybe too upgraded. Or up-grown...
Well, I'm fusion, ain't I??
...Sometimes, when a person understands that something's fucking wrong in her life, she just keeps going on in the same way. Inertia? Fuck nope. If only it were just this easy, I would be already asleep and dreaming about tomorrow's party. But I ain't asleep. And I attend no fucking parties. And that's the point, ladies und gentlemen.
...Let me ask you a question. Of course, whoever you are, you've got a PC. And, I'm afraid, you're a happy user of the Windows operational system. D'you know what the fuck is disk C? Right ya, here we have such fucking important stuff as system files. Have you tried to eliminate some of them? I hope nay, cause if you did we wouldn't chat in such a pleasant way as we do right now. The fact is, that if someone tries to fuck away from his PC a coupla system files, his WinXP or whatever will be so much more dead than alive, that he apparently wouldn't be able to reanimate the poor thing himself.
I'm not WinXP (I've passed the test "Ain't ya a robot?" on the initial page successfully!), but I'd rather won't eliminate any of my system files. Better invalid and virused, than none at all, eh?